I’m airing some grievances here.

First off, I am filing a formal complaint against Rhianna’s song “Umbrella.” What is wrong with you people? Did Top 40 radio finally tire of Ashanti? I thought her songs were atrocious, but Rhianna wins in this beat-down of atrocities.This has got to be one of the worst, most aggravating songs I’ve ever heard in my entire life. Not only are the lyrics utterly inane, but the sound isn’t even aesthetically pleasing. I would rather crate my cat, put her in my car and drive around for 12 hours solely listening to her whining (not to mention smelling the contents of her litter box) than listen to even half of that song.

By some fortuitous act of God, if you haven’t heard the song, the chorus begins

Now that it’s raining more than ever
Know that we’ll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella

OK. Pretty standard, boring stuff. But then comes the part that makes me want to rip my hair out in sections. Seriously, every time I hear the song–oh, and it’s everywhere, playing in stores, radio stations, on full-blast repeat at my neighbor’s–I find myself grinding my teeth and fantasizing about pulling my hair out to the beat of that music.

This is what Rhianna does after she finishes singing the last word in the chorus, “umbrella”:

ella ella ella ella ella ella ella

She repeats this over and over again, until I’ve actually got a chunk of hair enclosed in my fist, ready to be torn out. She goes on and on, and just when I’m looking for the nearest window in which to jump out screaming, she stops. Oh, thank you, God. Relief.

But then, she repeats:

eh eh eh eh eh eh eh

Then she stops, and goes right into:

Yeah, you can stand under my umbrella. Ella ella ella ella ella ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh eh.

Just typing the damn thing out has my heart rate speeding up. My open window is looking just a little too appealing to me at the moment.

I would rather spend the rest of my lifetime’s visits to the dentist in the chair listening to Kylie Minogue’s “Can’t Get You Outta My Head (La La La)” than hear Rhianna’s song ever again.

And here’s the verse at the end of the song:

It’s raining
Ooh baby it’s raining
Baby come here to me
Come here to me
It’s raining
Oh baby it’s raining

So, is Rhianna endorsing sex without protection? Or is the umbrella protection? Well, who cares–obviously the songwriter doesn’t care about the lyrics. Why should I try to give it more depth and thought than it deserves?

My next area of contention would be with an article I found most cantankerous, written by supposed financial guru Penelope Trunk. Here’s the article:

Is Your Image Hurting Your Career?

by Penelope Trunk, Brazen Careerist

Posted on Wednesday, October 10, 2007, 12:00AM

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Being overweight or sloppily dressed is worse for your career than being a poor performer.

I’m not saying this is fair, I’m saying it’s true. So manage your weight, and manage the image you project at work, and you’ll do wonders for your career.

If you doubt that your image can inhibit your career, think about this: According to a 2005 study by the Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis, good-looking people make more money than average-looking people for doing exactly the same work. 

Fit in Every Way

Before you get up in arms over how unfair it is to discriminate against people who are overweight, consider that there may be some rationale behind it. If you’re overweight, you’re probably not exercising every day. But regular exercise increases peoples’ ability to cope with difficult situations in the workplace and, according to University of Illinois kinesiology professor Charles Hillman, might even make people smarter.

And the same self-discipline we use to make ourselves exercise regularly and eat in moderation carries over into other aspects of our lives. This is probably why, in a study from Leeds Metropolitan University, people who exercise regularly were found to be better at time-management and more productive than those who don’t.

So don’t kid yourself that if you do good work it won’t matter if you’re overweight. It’s sort of like people who have messy desks: The perception is that they’re low-performers, poor time-managers, and not clear thinkers. This might not be true at all, but the only thing they can do to overcome the perceptions of their coworkers is clean their desks.

Make Image a Priority

What makes this information particularly troubling is that so many people say they can’t make time to exercise and eat right because they need to work instead. In fact, if you’re overweight, you should probably put aside some of your work, accept that you won’t be performing as well at the office, and manage your image more closely by going to the gym.

That’s right — get rid of that perfectionist streak, do a little less work, and use that time to make yourself look better. People will perceive that you’re doing better work anyway. So instead of rationalizing why you can put work ahead of taking care of your health, start acting like a healthy person. Go to the gym at lunch, or leave work at 5 to hit the gym. Reorganize your schedule to make health a priority and your coworkers will respect you for it.

Here’s something else: Dress like you care. Building a strong brand for yourself is the only way to create a stable career in today’s workplace. You’ll change jobs often, and what influences your ability to get new jobs most is the image you convey. People judge that before they judge one word that comes out of your mouth.

A Career Constant

I didn’t have a weight problem when I owned my first company, but I did have an image problem — I was younger than almost everyone, and my mentor told me my age was creating problems. So I hired an image consultant to drag me around town and spend lots of money until I looked more grown up.

I still worry about image issues today — everyone does, no matter where they are in their career. It’s just that today I worry less about looking older and more about what shirt is right for an appearance on CNN. The point is that issues of image are ongoing in a career that matters.

So don’t be overweight and don’t dress carelessly. These are just as detrimental to your career as doing your work poorly. And if my bringing this up makes you angry, consider being more forgiving, because anger is a risk factor for obesity. Besides, forgiveness makes people more resilient to difficulties because it’s about seeing the world in a positive light — which is, of course, also good for your image.

***************************************************************************************************

OK. I agree with her to a point. Obviously image is important in the workforce. And yes, I’m sure a lot of people deduce, however incorrectly, that being overweight would be a symptom for low productivity in all areas of one’s life. In truth however, I find that conclusion to be very inaccurate. In my personal experience, I’ve worked with people of all shapes and sizes. Obesity is not always a factor in laziness. I can think of plenty of fit, healthy co-workers who were the laziest people I’ve ever met. On the flip side, some of the most productive coworkers I’ve ever had the pleasure of teaming with have weight issues.

My biggest issue with the article is the extreme arrogance of Ms. Penelope Trunk. Hiring an image consultant, Ms. Trunk? That seems quite overzealous. Maybe you should focus more on your actual work and research than what you’re wearing on the job. And if we’re going to start making judgments on appearance in the workforce, I wonder what your image consultant would say about unattractive names in a high-powered career. What would you say about that, Penelope Trunk?